The Biking Chronicles of Pedal Bob Braino # 9 - "Brain Sweet Brain"

Technical sections like steep drop always forced Pedal Bob to dismount and gleefully push his bike. Something he didn't really like and trying very hard to overcome. He decided to do something about it by doing a "secret training". As dawn breaks, Bob was already up and about, pedaling away. Found a rather steep slope that would suffice for his skill enhancement purpose.

Trail was about 2 feet wide decorated with bushes on either side. A long dry spell made the soil lose and dusty. His heart raced, thumping faster and faster. He approached the slope shoulder. Paused momentarily to summon all the courage he could muster. Hesitation seeped in. He backed up a few paces, took a mighty big inhale and he was off. The bike rolled reluctantly. Slowly at first then started gaining speed once on the gradient. Bob steadied his grip. His head recalling all the steps to be done in that situation from his multiple readings from bike mags, websites and the like.

His head betrayed him because he could not put the steps in proper order. Panic kicked in together with a huge wave of regret. But...it was all too late. His finger froze and glued to the grip. Gravity took over increasing his speed. The 15 percent gradient gave a very awkward feeling. Down below, a papaya tree heavily laden with fruits. Few already in fiery bright orange color. Signs of ripeness. The strange law of accident that says "In time when you lose control of your vehicle, you will be directed towards an awaiting object regardless whether there is plenty of clear space around". As if there's a strong tractor beam projected from the papaya tree, Bob was pulled towards it. With a loud yell jumping out from his mouth, his front hit the papaya tree. It's rear still in motion, swung up, throwing him off the saddle, over the bar with his head aimed straight at the trunk. A loud THUD! and the whole of Bob piled at the foot of the tree. Moments later, a couple more thud followed suit. The disorganized percussion ended with a loud SPLAT!!!

Mesmerized, disoriented, Bob painstakingly rolled over and with all difficulty managed to rest his back on the papaya trunk. His heart racing. His breath short and fast. Gasping. His head throbbing. Ringing noise filled his ears. From the corner of his eye, he caught a glimpse of reddish, squishy substance strewn all over his shoulder. Slowly, he removed his glove. Brought his hand to his head. Helmet still strapped. Slowly he felt his helmet from front to back then back to front. He could feel moist, squishy bits and pieces all over his helmet. He paused momentarily before yelling out "OH NOOOOOO!!! MY BRAIN'S SPLATTERED! I'M GONNA DIE! I'M GONNA DIE!". Without realising, he brought his hand to his mouth. Curiosity persuaded him to have a taste of human brain before his last beat of heart. "Hmmmm...never knew that human brain tastes so sweet...".

The Biking Chronicles of Pedal Bob Braino # 6 - "Lucky I Didn't Run Over It"

Pedal Bob was cruising down a singletrack one fine Sunday morning. Couple other riders were trailing behind. Suddenly, his finger pulled his brake lever, his bike drifted before grounding to a halt. He stopped and stood frozen momentarily. The riders behind him didn't respond in time causing a small pile up but lucky Bob was spared. Slowly he dismounted. His eyes glued to something on the ground. Something that caused him to brake suddenly.

He walked towards it. A lump of squishy brownish substance laid on the track in a spiral pattern. The rest of the riders just observed with quizzical look. Bob approached closer. He stopped just inches away from the lump. He knelt, stooped closer to the thing. After brief cursory examination he exclaimed "It looks like shit". The riders behind him stood frozen and flabbergasted. Look of disbelief painted all over their faces. They stood there motionless, wondering what the heck was Bob up to. Like a CSI examining a crime scene collecting evidence, Bob stooped lower till his nose was just an inch from the thing. He took a small whiff, but it seemed like it was not enough. He exhaled, emptying his lung and then inhaled deeply while his nose was precisely positioned to suck in the fume. Again, he paused momentarily. A quick mental analysis then he blurted "IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT!".

The riders behind him dropped their jaw. Unpertubed, Bob went for the finale. He took a pinch of the substance. He stuck his tongue out and smeared the pinch onto his taste bud. He withdrew his tongue, rolled it and lulled it in his mouth. Frowning as if in hard thinking before he finally spat. With a satisfied look on his face, he yelled "Tastes like shit". He paused momentarily. "IT IS SHEEEYYYIIITTTTTTT!!!", he concluded..."Lucky I didn't run over it", hemuttered. He got up, casually walked back to his bike, picked it up and pedaled off. One of the spectator puked there and then, the other dropped to the ground and went into a fit and the third one fainted, unknown when he would regain consciousness.

The Biking Chronicles of Pedal Bob Braino # 5 - "Twisted Head"

Pedal Bob didn't realize that he wore his t-shirt back to front. While speeding downhill, he lost control and had a mighty bad crash. Mesmerized for a while, sprawled on the ground, he shook his head to come to. His collar label jutted out and he caught a glimpse of it. He instantly wailed..."Oh noooo! I crashed too hard, my head is twisted front to back. How am I supposed to get outta here? I don't know how to cycle backward."

The Biking Chronicles of Pedal Bob Braino # 4 - "Idiot Jackass"

Pedal Bob was riding down a tight singletrack. After negotiating a switchback, he came head-on with Raging Bull Lee, a burly, muscular, notorious, big bully of the trail. Bob ground to a halt. Speechless...Bull Lee's reputation had reached his ear and that sent down a cold chill down his spine.

Bull Lee also stopped. Grunted and in his coarse loud voice "I ain't givin' way to a stupid jackass", he yelled. His burning eyes stared at Bob. Bob felt so small. He nearly emptied his bladder there and then. He quickly moved his bike aside and in his stammered voice "Al..right.tt.t.t, I g..g...g..give way to the ..the..the..stupid jack...ass".

The Biking Chronicles of Pedal Bob Braino # 3

Weeks after purchasing the mountain bike, Pedal Bob just left the bike in his living room. Friends asked why he did not ride the bike. He kept repeating "The time will come...the time will come...". One fine day, after hanging up the phone he exclaimed "YES! YES!...". His next cubicle colleague, Chain Suck Chen, stretched his neck to see what happen. "Aiya Bob aaaa...why you yell and make noise?", Chen asked. Excitedly Bob explained, "That was my travel agent just now. My trip to Mount Ledang is all sorted out. Finally...I can ride my mountain bike. There's no place to start riding a mountain than on a mountain itself. Yes! Yes!".

The Biking Chronicles of Pedal Bob Braino # 2

After much hassle and haggle, Pedal Bob finally bought a mountain bike. Slicker Sam, the salesman attending to him, wiped the sweat beading on his forehead with a huge sigh of relief. Pedal Bob excitedly took the bike home. Once home, he stand the bike and he let go. The bike fell off. He tried to make the bike stand again, but again the bike fell off on its side. He began to get impatient. "OK..just one more try...", he murmured, gritting his teeth. He held the bike, stand it, tried to get the best balance he could and gently let his hands off. Again the bike fell off. "That's it...I'm gonna file a complain". He called the shop, screaming for Slicker Sam.

"Hello Sam. I think you've ripped me off...", scolded Pedal Bob. "Whoa Bob, tell me what happen?", Sam maintained his cool after years of experience of handling customers. "The bike you sold me just now...", Bob started. "Yeah...", Sam interjected. "It won't stand. I tried 3 times but it won't stand. It was standing fine in the shop. I think you ripped me off.", Bob continued in loud angry tone. Sam swallowed his saliva, recounted the purchase earlier, after seconds smacked his forehead. "The bike won't stand eh? Of course it won't stand. It's two tired. It won't stand...", Sam explained. "Oh...too tired eh...", Bob said before Sam could finish. "Must be because of the travel and the long time standing in the shop", responded Bob. "OK...I'll let it rest for today...Thank Sam", Pedal Bob hung up. Sam felt like strangling himself and laugh out loud rolling on the floor at the same time...